Over the weekend, I tried to pull myself together. We went to the Concord Mills aquarium (#SeaLife) and adventured out to CLT nutrition. I was trying to be present and make memories; I was going through the motions, trying to act as if I wasn't sick. I mean, for what it's worth, I felt normal. Albeit, puffy eyes and sleep deprived. I hadn’t slept much since that Monday. Maybe a couple hours each night, if that. If I fell asleep, I would have nightmares.
Sunday, February 23, 2020
This day, every year, for the last 24 years, has been very hard (again that story I mentioned before - for another time), so with that tragedy weighing on me, on top of my physical health, made for a difficult day. Sunday night, my ex-husband, AJ, and I sat our two older kids down and told them the news. I let them know the doctors found two tumors and they suspect cancer, but that more tests were needed. There wasn’t much discussion and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
AJ called me on Monday and said he had taken the day off Tuesday, because he didn’t know if I would need him. What an incredibly sweet and fortuitous gesture. I couldn’t have asked for anything else at that very moment.
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
Biopsy day
Kirklyn wasn’t feeling great and was up with a fever overnight. I gave her medicine throughout the night and let me just say, another sleepless night. When AJ got there, she was still asleep, but Jack-Jack was excited to see him. Both of my babies just love to play with him.
Before I knew it, I was looking for the door with the pink wreath. The receptionist greeted me and said, “how are you?” – And what do I reply? “Hi, good…. well actually (cue tears) no I’m not, but I am sure that isn’t what you wanted to know.” I asked if my husband could come back with me and they said no, but at least I gave it a try. A lady led me back to an all too familiar tiny dressing room with a fabric curtain, giving me similar directions “change into this gown and wait here.”
So there I was topless, waiting for the lady to come back and get me. This time I felt like I was waiting for a long time. She came back and led me to a procedure room. She told me to lay down while she marks the tumors locations with the ultrasound wand. The purple marks were at 7 ‘o clock and 9:30. This nurse was friendly, and we chatted about my family. Mostly about my gaggle of children. Soon Dr. Chudgar came in. She was a beautiful young doctor, just like Dr. Hill. She explained the biopsy process to me in very simple terms I could understand. The surface was going to be numbed with Novocain, then she would numb deeper, then cut out a tissue sample.
She said I’d feel a pinch with the first puncture. It wasn’t much, considering I’ve nursed four babies. Then she numbed deeper. Still nothing. While she was doing her thing, another nurse conversed with me about my job. I talked through the whole process. They kept saying how well I was doing and that was reassuring. Dr. Chudgar said there was going to be a loud snapping noise, and that was the clipping of the tissue. It was definitely a loud clicking noise but didn’t cause pain.
Before long, the biopsy was completed, and I was still talking. Again, remembering my googling knowledge (and holding on to hope), I gingerly asked the doctor, “so, I am guessing it wasn’t fluid filled?” She was kind, smiled and said “no, I’m sorry.” I pressed further “well, has it grown? Can you check my lymph nodes and see if they still look ok?” Dr. Chudgar assured me everything looked the same and it had only been four days.
After the biopsies, the sweet nurse had to bandage me up and take more mammogram pictures. She explained that they tagged the tumors with titanium metal and they need to get pictures of them with the tags in place. These act as markers for the surgeon. Funny thing, the nurse said she had to take “gentle” pictures after the biopsies, but the one tag was so far back towards the chest, that it proved very difficult to photograph.
The results take about 3 business days to come back, so again I wait.
The aftercare
I had Jack take me to my mom’s house after the procedure. There were strict instructions not to lift anything, no cleaning, and no exercise so that the punctured tumors and skin could heal. They gave me ice packs to rotate every few hours to help with the pain and bruising. I sat in my dad’s recliner for what seemed like hours without moving. My mom sat adjacent to me the whole day, just letting me cry and rest without talking. She tried to get me to eat, even ordered my favorite food from Panera, but I just couldn’t. It had been over a week without sleep and very little food. Later that evening, I was ready to go home and be with my kids.
Jack told the kids I got a shot in my boob and it would be sore, to not jump on me and what not. I put a pillow in front of the injured breast and just held my littles tight. I let the tears stream off and on, trying to not alarm them. The next 48 hours, I just focused on work to keep my mind busy. I didn’t move off the couch much and as my sweet husband said, “I moped around”.
Thursday, February 27, 2020
It was Thursday, late afternoon when my phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize. He had just walked in the door from work and I grabbed him to come listen. I put the phone on speaker, and he grabbed pen and paper. The lady said the pathology report was in and “it’s invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer”. She went on to tell us that “it’s the most common type and makes up 80% of all breast cancer cases”. We both looked at each other (naively) and felt a sign of relief. With in a few minutes of that call, I got another one scheduling me to see Dr. White a surgical oncologist. My primary care doctor, who I've trusted with my health for 20 something years, referred me to him. Of course, I asked the lady on the phone her thoughts on him and she said he was her doctor. I felt like that was a good sign. The date was set for the next step.
I wasn’t shocked by the results; I was mentally preparing myself for that moment for over a week. I told Jack that I was glad it was the most common type, that had to be the positive side, right? Most researched, most studied, most cured…..