Hair. It's the one thing people think about when it comes to cancer. It is the universal sign for cancer - baldness. Listen up folks, I am not excited one bit to have lost my hair. Nope, not even a smidgen. But, that will not stop me from embracing it. I will take losing my hair temporarily, so that I can rid my body of the cancer.
When I first got diagnosed, I knew I would want to take control of some part of this disease. Shaving my head was just about the only thing I could control. Initially, I wasn't sure I would know when would be the right time. I mean let's face it...I didn't want to shave it too early, if ya know what I mean. My doctor told me by day 17, the hair loss would be well on its way. I knew I didn't want to one day just take a shower and have gobs of hair coming out. That seemed too traumatic for my mind to handle. How does one decide the right time to shave their head? I talked with AJ, Jack, my fellow breasties, who have been there done that, and finally decided, I would just know when that time would be for me.
After round 2 of AC, (day 15) my hair was definitely coming out with a gentle brush or run of the fingers through the hair. I wore it up for a few days, just to prolong the inevitable. There is some pain that comes with the whole hair falling out bit, too. For me, it feels like a super tight pony tail. The pressure is very uncomfortable. The only thing that will relieve that pain is to remove the hair from the follicle.
When I woke up Saturday morning, I knew it was time. The amount of strands just dangling with any movement told me so. I decided to shower and get the hair wet, since it had been worn up for a couple days and was very knotty. As I started to wash my hair, it was too late. I had waited a day too late. The hair loss was devastating. The hair just kept coming out. I needed to try and comb through the knots and get the shampoo out. It took time and a lot of self-control. I calmly got out of the shower and dressed as cute as I could. I put some make-up on and muscled up the energy to take a few pictures. Near the end of the day, I knew the time had come. I needed to bravely take control of my situation; not just for myself, but for my kids watching me, my friends and family watching me, and for those women coming after me.
Kaiah and I decided to make some videos and have some fun with it. I wanted to do this on MY terms. Everyone processes things differently and there is no wrong or right way. For me, I just wanted to have fun with it. Kaiah had a little too much fun with it! She enjoyed cutting my hair and making the TikTok videos. Our video has gotten a lot of views and Kaiah says I have fans!
No tears, no crying, just all smiles. Seems weird, right? I was happy to see the hair go. That means the chemo is working. Those fast growing cells (hair, lashes, and brows) are being destroyed and that means buh-bye rouge cancer cells. Hair loss is a part of the process of healing. It is like being stripped naked of everything (literally), then being rebuilt. God is doing this to me now. Is it uncomfortable? Yep. But, I ultimately trust in Him.
Not all days are that easy though. Monday, as the bone pain starts to set in, I noticed more hair falling out. The hair now is very short and very itchy. The hair on the bed and pillows are itchy. I felt like I had hair poking me everywhere. I opted for the shower, even though the water hurts to hit your skin. Bone pain is just that bad. The mere thought of the water hitting my skin makes me wince. As the water runs off my head, so does the tiny hairs. They are surrounding me everywhere. They are so short and there are so many of them, I can't wash them off. They are all over my body, the tub and won't wash off. I just kept using more soap, then shampoo, then rinse, then I would try it again. I finally called for Jack and said "what do I do"? I mean do I just keep trying to wash it off? Do I stand there and try to removed all the hair in one sitting? Jack didn't really know what to say, but helped make sure I had most of the tiny hairs washed off.
When I was getting into bed a little bit later, Kirklyn was standing on my bed, kissing my picture hanging on the wall. She said how she missed my long hair and she thought it was beautiful. Me too, kid. I had to change out the pillow cases because there was tiny hairs everywhere and I couldn't muscle up the energy to change the sheets. That would have to wait until the morning. Unfortunately, I didn't have anything prophetic to say to her, and just told her to come snuggle me. She curled up next to me and my tears started to flow.
What was I to do? My little girl is grieving and so was I. I did what any girl would do and texted my mama. This whole covid-19 crap has been very difficult for so many, I know. I just want it to be over, so I can curl up to my mom and let her tell me everything is going to be ok.
Today is a new day, though. I woke up, put real pants on and a wig! We had a surprise friend drive-by for a quick balcony visit, which was just what I needed to revive my mental state! I also got my first magazine my sweet friend Laura ordered for me. I am thankful for those low moments, because without them, I would never know when I am up.
My Social Media Post
I took control. We had some fun with it, too. I’m not sad to see it go, honestly. It HAS to go, for the cancer to be cured, and I am ok with that!
Now, the amount of grey hair hiding was a little alarming, but you know what, I kinda dig it. You may see me around with a hat, turban, wig or bald head - it will just depend on the outfit 🥰
