As normal as I tried to act, as much as I tried to bury myself in my work, and as much as my sweet co-worker friend, Mary, would listen to me talk, my actions and physical expression, didn’t appear to match. My reality didn't match my mentality. Another phrase I use a lot is "fake it til you make it" and that is exactly what I intend to do.
I was sitting on the couch (in the same spot) in the same clothes from two days prior, when a small quiet voice said, “you’re not dead yet, Rifka”. I jumped off that couch told my husband what I’d just heard, and he said, “finally time to stop moping”. I got myself in the shower.... got clean, changed my bandage and got back to my typically duties, making dinner. I still wasn’t eating much, but it felt good to get back to what I live for, my family.
I decided I needed to tell a few close friends and family. It is a lot of pressure bearing the weight of this type of diagnosis and I wanted (needed) some support and encouragement. Each person reacted the same (shocked), yet different. Each friend was helpful and loving and just what I needed.
My aunt Deb, who’s going through so much herself physically, helped me remain focused on God. It may seem odd to some, but I continue to praise Him through this storm. one of the first people I called was my ex-mother in law, Jan. She’s been through the caregiver side of cancer several times: her father, both sisters, and her husband. I wanted to tell her, seek her advice, and ensure she could be there for the kids (like that was even a question). She’d know better than anyone on what to say to my two oldest children, how to approach the topic and all of that which goes with it. I also called Dawn, AJ’s aunt. She just went through her second fight against breast cancer a few short months ago. I didn’t know anyone better to get advice from than someone who has lived the reality I was facing.
As bad as my mom feels daily (she's been struggling health wise for years), she had come to the rescue with watching her grands and helping with dinners. My dad has taken time off work to sit with me when I didn't want to be alone. My close friends starting rallying behind me. Whether it was a check-in text, sweet voice message, volunteering or lending a hand, each and everyone of them rose to the occasion.
Friday, February 28, 2020
Michele and Buddy came over after work. This couple has been close friends of ours for the better part of a decade. We’ve seen each other through some highs and some lows. Not long after I met Michele, Buddy was diagnosed with lung cancer. Praise God, 8 plus years later and he is still cancer free. Without hesitation, Michele (in her perfectly soft tone) said “Rifka, I’m going to be here for you no matter what, anything you need, every step of the way.” And, I know she meant it.
That is hard for me. You know, that. Accepting help, acknowledging that I need help, and you guessed it, receiving help. One of the many lessons I will learn while on this quest is just that.... the art of acceptance. Accepting the reality, accepting the assistance, accepting the unexpected, and accepting the grace and mercy that comes along the way. during this quest.
